The Role of Self-Confidence in Emotional Intelligence

Karen performed well as assistant operations manager at a manufacturing facility. She was skilled at her job and did what she was told, but her manager noticed that she seldom took initiative. She seemed hesitant to move ahead with new things and often needed extra encouragement. Karen was capable, but did not seem to have confidence in her abilities. Her manager believed that this lack of confidence was holding her back from taking on additional responsibility and moving ahead in her career.

Self-confidence is one of the six important facets of Emotional Intelligence. It is almost always present in people we admire and respect who “have their act together.” We admire individuals who display a positive attitude toward themselves without being arrogant.

Self-confidence is a positive and balanced attitude having to do with the Self dimension. It consists of a basic belief that we can do what is needed to produce the desired outcome. When obstacles occur, a person with a confident attitude continues to work to overcome the barriers, whereas someone lacking in self-confidence is not likely to persevere and might not even begin something. Overcoming barriers and giving ourselves credit for what we have achieved—no matter how insignificant to others—are important ways to build self-confidence. Experiencing small successes will build larger ones.

Low self-confidence affects job performance, but another kind of self-confidence problem is equally incompatible with EQ: arrogance. Overconfidence or pseudo-confidence is destructive, and does not belong in today’s organization. In fact, people who are domineering and who think they are entitled to make decisions without regard to how they will affect others are as ineffective as their low-confidence peers, because arrogance creates resentment. Employees and peers who resent this lack of consideration and respect will hold back on productivity: Where’s the incentive? The appreciation? They will make minimal efforts, but don’t count on them pitching in in a crisis!

People who lack true self-confidence leave clues: difficulty admitting mistakes, an unwillingness to apologize, pushiness, and bragging are all signs of a confidence problem. While bragging might look a lot like confidence on the surface, people who are truly self-confident have no need to brag; those who do are often trying to convince themselves of their own worth. And when we are so worried about looking incompetent in the eyes of others that we can’t admit our own shortcomings, we are not likely to take advantage of coaching and advice from peers and potential mentors. But if we are to develop high EQ and become successful, this is exactly what we must do!

We judge self-confidence by whether or not someone is able to meet our gaze, by whether they speak up, by the way they walk and carry their bodies, and by how much initiative and determination they display. Anxiety or worry are the emotions most associated with a lack of self-confidence, but low self-confidence is also associated with depression. It is hard to hide a lack of confidence: the signs are obvious.

Some would argue that self-confidence does not matter so much when you are the manager. After all, even a manager low in self-confidence can still give orders, monitor people and projects, and meet deadlines, right? Actually, adopting domineering behaviors is one way people deal with low self-confidence. These tactics, however, simply don’t work with today’s workforce. People do not respect managers who are timid and passive, but the management skills that are needed today also have little to do with command and control abilities. We put our faith only in leaders who believe in themselves: they inspire and motivate us.

All the things listed above and many other activities we do every day depend on having a high level of self-confidence to do them well. If we are low in this aspect of Emotional Intelligence, we must set a goal for ourselves to build it up by doing some of the things listed on the following page.

You can increase your self-esteem! Here are a few suggestions:

Write yourself a positive script—an internal monologue that bolsters your ego (see The Fundamentals of Emotional Intelligence for details on how to do this).
Carefully think about and devise a mission statement for yourself. Keep a copy in your desk drawer and take it out several times during the day to read. It will help remind you of what you are about and give you a sense of quiet pride. Here is an example of such a statement, which can inspire you to write your own:
I believe in myself and I believe that I have a purpose on this Earth. My values include spending time with my family, doing my very best to give my employer a hard day’s work, and giving back to my community. I love the challenge of investigating and solving thorny problems in medical billing, and being a source of information and inspiration for less-experienced employees. Dealing with human relations problems is sometimes a challenge for me, but I will continue to try to listen with concern and compassion before judging. I value participation among my employees and strive not to give all the answers or make all the decisions. I will not allow my work to take up all of my time, and I will spend quality time each day with my family. Each and every week, I will do something to give back to the community and try to make the world a better place.

Write your own inspiring mission statement below. If your mission in life does not coincide with where you are right now in your job or personal life, plan to spend some time contemplating what you really want by becoming more self-aware (see previous chapter). Maybe it’s also time to get some professional career or personal counseling to help you clarify what you want. When our circumstances differ substantially from our true calling, it is hard to develop self-confidence or to be high in any other dimension of Emotional Intelligence.

MY PERSONAL MISSION STATEMENT:
In the blanks below, list five things you do very well (anything from gardening to making Power-Point presentations) and two things you do less well. Spend time considering how you can do more of the things you do well and less of the things you do poorly. Eliminate things from your life that make you feel incompetent, or make a commitment to getting instruction to become competent in these areas.
What are your top five things you do well? (This might even provide a clue to your true mission.)
1. _________________________________
2. _________________________________
3. _________________________________
4. _________________________________
5. _________________________________
What two things are you currently doing that you do poorly, and how can you reduce or eliminate those?
1. _________________________________
  _________________________________
2. _________________________________
  _________________________________
Develop a mental video that shows you progressing toward your goal (see The Fundamentals of Emotional Intelligence for details).
Work on your image. We feel better and more self-confident when we know we look good. Everyone can make the most of what they have, without being a model of physical attractiveness. It costs you nothing to smile, be neat, meet people’s eyes, and carry yourself proudly.
Pretend that you have lots of self-confidence. “Fake it ‘til you make it” really does work. You can do it in this way: Develop a clear mental video image of yourself acting in a highly confident way in personal or job situations, much the way your ideal leader might act in those situations. Resolve to act exactly like this for three full days, as if you were the character in a play. Act calmly self-assured. Continue to replay your mental video between acts of your play. Research shows that most people actually feel more confident after pretending they were confident.
Identify someone you have been too timid around. Write a script for how you might speak up around that person. Practice your script aloud, in private. Get your thoughts out with some conviction, and don’t worry about the words. Seek out this person and state the opinions or feelings you previously did not voice. Never state your opinion in a dogmatic or aggressive way, but merely in a business-like way. For example:
Karen, I’ve been thinking about the plans we discussed last week and wanted to share my opinion. I think we should try to do this project in-house, rather than go with a subcontractor, and here’s why…
If you don’t speak up in meetings, you must begin doing so. Resolve to contribute something in every meeting you attend, beyond merely asking a question. Try this: Get an agenda ahead of time. Pick an issue you know about or care about, and plan ahead what you can say in that meeting. If you don’t know much about the issues, do your homework to learn more by researching or talking to colleagues. Rehearse what you will say. Plant the thought in your mind: “I can do it, I will do it.” Speak up early in the meeting before you have a chance to talk yourself out of it. Voicing your opinion and being involved leads to greater self-confidence and greater leadership ability.
Seek out opportunities to make presentations. Take anything that you do well or know quite a bit about and offer to present that subject at a staff meeting or another appropriate small-group forum. If you start out with a small audience, it becomes progressively easier to present to larger or more challenging groups, such as your Board of Directors. Prepare carefully ahead of time, and rehearse what you will say. Smile and take a deep breath before you start, because we often run out of oxygen when we are nervous.
It’s okay to break certain rules if you have to achieve some greater good. Use good judgment here about which ones you break, and always have a good reason and documentation if anyone calls you on it later. A great deal of confidence and power comes from exercising independent judgment, rather than following arbitrary rules to the letter.
Break down any larger goal into steps. “Increasing confidence” is far too big a goal; it’s more like a vision. Break this vision into steps like this: “I’ll call this person this morning” or “I’ll make a comment in this afternoon’s meeting” or “I’ll go to this place to look for a job.”
Keep a log of each step you take toward your bigger goal or vision. With each step write a short phrase about how this increased your confidence. Try to tie each individual action to how it felt. The more you can connect each individual experience with your goal, the closer you are toward achieving your goal.
Think of a current problem situation you are facing. What do you think, how do you feel, and what are you currently doing? Write this down in a few sentences. Now, write down as completely as possible, like a story, what you’d like to do, think, and feel instead. Rehearse your new story in your mind just like a video. The next time you get in this situation, you’ll have a new response to try instead when you feel the old pattern coming on.

A leader cannot be more concerned with being liked than with getting the job done. Therefore, leaders have to be very secure. They must be able to say “no,” set high standards, confront when necessary, take charge, and hold people accountable—not always pleasant things to do. As we make small conscious steps toward increasing self-confidence, the momentum will build and we will see even greater increases. 11

You can be assertive and business-like without being aggressive and running over others. Self-confidence is not the same as being pushy or arrogant, having all the answers, or easily telling people off. Such emotionally unintelligent behavior has to do with either covering up insecurities or being haughty—genuinely believing we are better or smarter than others.

To determine if you have this type of a confidence problem, ask yourself: “Do I frequently take a very strong stand on issues?” “Am I the first to speak up with an opinion?” “Do I often cut off further discussion in favor of my position?” “Do I spend more time talking than I do listening?” If you answer “yes” to one or more of these questions, you might be running over other people. Keep in mind that emotionally intelligent self-confidence stops short of overconfidence.

If we are overconfident, people will accuse us of being pushy. We seldom apologize or say we are wrong. We might even pride ourselves in this, but others don’t like this behavior. In fact, the “confidence” of the know-it-all is a barrier to good communication and the development of positive relationships within the organization. The bottom-line is: Most people resent know-it-alls and they are unwilling to give overconfident, bossy people what they want, whereas they will work diligently for someone who has genuine give-and-take confidence.

People with a genuine belief in themselves do not have trouble admitting they are wrong and apologizing for mistakes. We all make mistakes, and plenty of them. People who stick to their guns and won’t admit they are wrong are those who suffer with the burdensome and erroneous belief that saying “I was wrong and I’m sorry” diminishes them in some way. There is usually some basic insecurity they are covering up.

Be honest as you examine yourself. Coming off as overconfident might have become such a habit that you do not even realize you do this. That’s why you should seek out 360-degree feedback and comments from others. (See the previous chapter on increasing awareness.) What is it you are covering up or worried about that makes you need to push people around?

We need to let go of the need to have all the answers and learn to be a little more vulnerable. Then we can move from arrogance to confidence and gain respect rather than lose it.

Genuine confidence helps us balance our needs with those of other people, and this will lead to more success in the Social dimension.

If you think you are overconfident—even just a little—here are some things you can do to become more balanced:

Set a personal goal for the next week to voice your opinion last in all formal and informal meetings in which you participate. This requires you to be quieter and listen to others. Make yourself ask questions of others. When it is your turn, formulate your response in a way that is not so extreme. A less dogmatic opinion will allow more room for new information. People will begin respecting your opinion more when you voice it less.
Plant this thought in your mind and let it grow: “I really don’t know everything. If I pay attention, maybe I can learn more than I know now and use this information to help identify a good solution.” The truth is: You really don’t know everything, no matter how expert you are in your field.
For three days, monitor your speaking time in all conversations and keep a written log of the following information: (1) who was present in your interactions; and (2) what proportion of time you held the floor. Many people spend a great deal more than their fair share of conversation time speaking or being the center of attention in the group, and do not realize that other people resent this, even from the “boss.” Review your log. In interactions involving two people, each person should generally get about one-half the speaking time; in interactions with five people, each person would get roughly one-fifth the speaking time. If your speaking time is consistently greater than your fair share, set a personal goal for one month to keep quiet more, to listen, and to ask more questions of others. Force yourself to talk less.
Identify someone you have been too aggressive with. Think of a specific incident when your words or actions were pushy and possibly hurtful to this person. Go back in your mind and see if you can restate your opinion less forcefully. Write down how you could have conveyed your message differently. Also write down a question or two you could have asked to draw the other person out and give them more speaking time. And how you could have disagreed with them, if you did, without blowing them away? Here is an example:
“Liz, what’s your revised timetable on the Avery project?” Liz states some unacceptable date, like August 18, but instead of berating her and stating a flat deadline of August 4, you say, “That’s not really going to work. We need Tony to get the Elgin project initiated, and he can’t be in two places at once. How can we speed up the timetable or make some other arrangements?”
Go to the person, make yourself apologize for your previous action, and deliver your modified or corrected version of what you should have said. If it’s too late to change the outcome entirely, simply apologize and explain that you are working on trying to do better in the future. And do so!

Notice how people react to you as you start making some of these positive changes. They are almost certain to enjoy you more and not dread seeing you coming.

People with high self-confidence make just as many mistakes as anyone else; they just don’t let these mistakes take over their attitude. When we fail, this gives us valuable information on what we can do differently. Failure becomes important feedback that helps us readjust our attitude and behavior. Remember: Good comes from a mistake. We learn things, and often unexpected positive things occur, too.

Instead of seeing a situation or person as a threat, treat it as a challenge or an opportunity. Did you ever wonder why some people are nonplussed by things that appear to be real obstacles for someone else? It’s largely because they have adopted an attitude of “I will overcome.” There is almost always some way around a barrier if we get creative. Don’t hesitate to ask others for advice on a particularly sticky challenge.

We all have bad days when we slip into old habits of low confidence or pushiness, but a relapse is a time to rethink, grow, and learn. We are strengthened each time. Continue to be optimistic: think of setbacks as temporary. A setback will only be permanent if you give it permission to reside with you permanently! Leaders with high EQ take mistakes in stride.